COUPLES COUNSELING
Why Couples Counseling?
Being in a relationship is rewarding, loving, supportive, and affirming- until it isn’t. Then relationships can create the most excruciating pain. How is it that the tide of relationship can turn so quickly? Knowing how to navigate the challenging territory of relationship can be extremely difficult, especially if you’ve had no education around conflict resolution, skillful communication, and how to be present with emotional pain. This is the work of couples counseling: to create the time and space to learn and practice the tools necessary to heal as individuals and as a couple so that your relationship can thrive.
The House Analogy
I use the analogy of a house to explain couples counseling. Your relationship, like a house, has a foundation- which is trust. The less damage there is to the foundation, the easier the repairs will be. The more the foundation has been damaged, the more repair will be necessary, and the more tools you will need to make the repairs. Trust gets eroded in many ways including:
Trust gets eroded in many ways including:
The Four Horsemen
01. Criticism
Attacking or putting down your partner’s personality or character. Criticizing your partner implies that there is something wrong with him or her.
02. Contempt
Any statement or nonverbal behavior that attacks your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him or her.
03. Defensiveness
An attempt to protect yourself, to defend your innocence or to ward off a perceived attack
04. Stonewalling
Rather than confronting the issues with your partner, you take evasive action such as tuning out or turning away.
How Can Couples Therapy Help?
I believe that the majority of couples that come to therapy do so because they love each other. Somewhere along the way, the difficulties of being in a relationship appear to have become insurmountable, weakening the connection and sometimes commitment to the relationship. Couples counseling is an opportunity to pause, reflect, repair, and grow. I find that we often choose our partners unconsciously to assist us in our healing process. The trick is being willing to let our partner truly see us- flaws and all- and to trust that he/she will still love us. This is what we are all seeking- to be loved for our authentic selves.
What if We Want a Divorce?
Therapy can also be helpful to navigate the separation and/or divorce process. There is a new consciousness emerging that divorce does not mean failure, and that in fact, divorce can be healthy when both people agree to do their own work, take responsibility for their own contribution to the termination of the marriage, and remain kind and compassionate. Especially when there are children involved, and you will be continuing your relationship as co-parents, having a conscious divorce is worth the time and effort for all involved.
The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.
The dependency paradox: The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.
